DISCIPLINE.
It will probably determine which way you’ll go.
Just had a super long talk with Dad about how work is making me feel down and my usual complains. then i think he couldn’t stand my negativity any more and said “What you lack is discipline. You don’t even have to discipline to find out what you want. How can anyone help you?”
Yes, that is nothing but true. To all my future employers, im sorry but its true. That is the one thing I cant seem to have. I never seemed to have the determination to finish anything i’ve started. Like this blog post. I may be furiously typing right now. but trust me, in a few minutes, what seemed to be a very emotional blogpost will have a seriously awkward ending coz i will try to end it as fast as i can. Why? Coz i get bored. WEIRD right?
Honestly, if you asked me what i wanted to be growing up, i would say “Actress” without thinking. WHY? because i dont really have to choose what i want to be. I can just pretend to be all these different characters and have different experiences. But did i pursue my “acting dream”? NO. Yes, i do put the blame on my dad for asking me to take a more practical course. but deep in my heart, i knew that it was never really his fault. I had so many chances to do a Minor or take up acting jobs but i didnt. And i always made excuses for not doing so. WHY? coz i feel damn lazy. and im afraid of sucking at something that i think i’m really good at.
this blog post is seriously gonna make me sound like a horrible failure omg.
trust me, i’ve had millions of ambitions. A career in F1, advertising guru, strategic marketeer, singer/dancer/entertainer, blogger, youtube star and the list goes on. in my dreams, i can do anything and soar with ease. in reality, i have no skills nothing. Youtube. I thought that was my SURE way to become famous and earn money. So i started my own channel and vlogged. For the 1st time, i was like woohooo. not bad, im quite good at this. 2nd time, yeah, i can do it.. its obvious im meant to do this. and guess what, there was never a 3rd video. WHY? coz the moment i got a bad comment, i told myself Nah, i cant do this. I can never take criticism. so i quit.
Blogging is the same. i get bored of having to blog and i never do it again. until i get super emo and stuff.
Since now i’m stuck with my 9-5 office job, I keep feeling that i’m missing out on life, im getting shortchanged. I blame everyone in it for the situation i am in and i never seem to make it better. all i do is complain all day long about how it sucks. Like dad said, if you wanna get out of it, it isnt that hard but what exactly do you wanna do?? I dont know man seriously i dont know.
i suddenly thought back to the time i was still searching for a job. i keep telling people “i came out during a crisis, so there weren’t many options for me so i chose the best that i had, this one.” yes, that may be true or at least i believe that it was, but honestly, i only signed up for a handful of jobs. my girl friends applied to jobs day and night, relentlessly looking for job opportunities. i had like 3 offers and i just took the highest paying one. and ya.. so i put myself in this shit.
Even now, as i say how miserable i am. I still have no idea where id rather be. i keep thinking that the “one” will fall into my arms and I will love it and become disciplined suddenly.
haha look at my weight loss regime. have i lost weight? no freaking ass way…. but do i talk about it and complain everyday. Yes. seriously, i am such a loser.
look at my love life. ok. dont bother coz it doesnt even exist. do i try to make things work? Never. look at my friendships… do i bother to try and contact my friends and make sure that they know im there? No. Coz i dont even have the discipline to do so.
Talking to my dad, i really realised that i am a real failure and i’ve dont nothing but blame the world for all the shit that i am in. i am no different from the people i mock everyday. it is embarrassing. and i know my dad is really disappointed.i really wanna be successful and good to. but how am i going to be more disciplined and more positive about the things that i do? trust me, i wish i was born with that kind of attitude. Argh. how do i start?
I am lucky to be living this comfortable life but this comfortable life is not helping me feel the hunger to be more disciplined. so what can i do about it?
if this goes on, my life is so screwed. I am gonna pray about it and sleep early tonight. tmr i will start to wake up early and go to work early. step 1 of being disciplined. ok. i know this may not last but lets push it for as far as it can go….
